sometimes i wonder if i made the right decision about grad school. as i was leaving keene, i finally felt at home. i felt a presence in my life that was helping me work towards the better. and now, i question everything. i love writing. i love poetry. but it's clearly not as much as some of the other people in the program. why do i feel the need to have a degree by the time i'm 25? sure, that'd be great. i'd get to teach. my world of opportunities would open up. ...but maybe i don't want it to. maybe a BA is good for right now. maybe i wouldn't mind doing some hard labor in between the time.
because, in reality, if i had been thinking about my own personal development, i would've deferred from USC for a year rather than jumped into a more convenient, more available program.
i love SLC. it's great. the professors, the students, the feedback.
but maybe, just maybe, i'm not the right person. i'm not the right fit. at least not right now.
i miss being here too much. all my life i've searched for home, and then had to leave it once it was presented to me.
i'm tired of jumping around. here, i have friends, a boyfriend, an atmosphere i'm comfortable in. and, as my dad says, life is about happiness...there is no shame in working.
there isn't. and perhaps...i'm just not ready for this.
i need to think.
when i'm here, everything is right. and i'm tired of being dichotomized between the two. i can't handle it. my emotional state is too fragile right now.
i want this. my friends. my boyfriend. my apartment that feels like i've lived here my whole life.
yes. that and only that.
because that, unfortunately, is what makes me happy. and possibly suburban. but, hey, whatever...there's nothing wrong with being suburban and unsure.
1 comment:
happiness is key. just never lose your desire for adventure. it is important to expand your comfort zone, not to leave it. it is also important that you visit me in new york every chance you don't mind.
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