naturally organically natural

god. sometimes it's so difficult being a graduate student. woe is me. pity the girl who's getting an MFA...i deserve it, i'm sure.

nah. though it is quite exhausting both emotionally and mentally. i rack my brain searching for words and images, and yet, nothing is ever enough. in conference today, my professor just kept telling me to "trust your own images. your natural ability." i don't really think i have a natural ability. and going off of these drugs has been a lot more trying than i thought.

i'm easily distracted by "rock of love" and friends' blogs and youtube and my roommate's dog and my own blog and my large movie collection with an array of movies boasting accents. this leaves me alone on a wednesday night watching "bend it like beckham" and wishing i were in trafalgar square just one more time: lost with megan on our way to orso with her grandfather's friends--both willing to treat us to fine dining, cigars, and cider.

god...keira knightley was so fucking hot in this movie. so is jonathan rhys meyers. and parminder nagra. it's fairly amazing. i wish i had an accent. i wish soccer was bigger in the U.S. i wish i was good at any sport. but mostly, i wish for more cameras.

i miss filming for third rail mice and the two PSAs. i miss acting. it was such a release of all things i keep too bottled up inside. and i'm good at it. strange. never thought i'd be good at something i enjoy so much. though i know there's no future. i don't really care for making a living at it: i just want to do it for fun. acting is usually something people do for fame, for money, for the prospect of something that will (most likely) never come to fruition. but i do it for another reason entirely: i do not expect anything to come of it, i just enjoy it...body and soul. i love inhabiting this other person: this person inside me, or beside me, that i didn't know within or couldn't imagine i could know. they are all there: around me, inside me...pushing, urging, throbbing.

and writing eases it. but acting releases.

*sigh* i can never make up my mind about anything. when i'm here, i want somewhere else. and when i'm somewhere else, i always want here.

ain't that the way of it.

--Leni