happy. i'm happy. the kind of happy that comes from only within. i feel as though spring has released me of my self-indulgent prison. it's as good as it gets and thensome.
i believe it started with the cruise. something about visiting foreign countries, traveling, sunshine, beaches, culture...i don't know. all of it combined pulls me into an absolute mess of euphoria. i've realized recently that i am just not the type of girl to be tamed. i wish to all get out sometimes that i were. but i'm not. i like seeing new things. i like experiencing. i like discovering that you know nothing about the multitude of things you thought you knew everything about.
it's the little things lately that get me: silly conversations over pizza and fountain soda, the cool taste of water, the wind chilling me to the bone, a night in with friends.
all of it makes sense and feels right for where i am in my life right now.
being loved feels amazing, but not as amazing as being alone. at least right now.
finally, things seem to be falling in place. i am DOING things. i am ready for all that life has to offer me: a swift punch and a sharp blow and a few tears. maybe it is time to stop fearing the vulnerability that is innate to me, the scary experience of being human. i can let people in. they can care about me without a hug or a kiss. they can care about me with a smile and a soft brush of the hand.
i love love. but more than that: i feel loved. everyone who has put up with me during this tumultous year of transit has helped me to realize what's important. it's been a painful, strenuous, all-consuming year filled with memories i'm sure plenty would rather forget. and yet, i am the happier for them. i have learned a lot about me, about the relationships i pursue: romantic or otherwise. i am capable of realizing who ACTUALLY cares now.
and i am able to let myself care back.
thank you.
--L-dizzle.
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