the times they are a-changin'

what i wouldn't give for the feeling that anything was possible again.

two years ago, i was in york, england. i've always been one for nostalgia, but there are very few events that pervade my inner sense of happiness as much as this one. looking back on it, i wasn't always happy there, but for some reason, in my memory, i am the epitome of absolute euphoria. the type that doesn't come very often: surpassing the rush of love, and underwhelming the thrill of accomplishment. nay, england in my memory is a dizzy whirling rush of adrenaline-induced intoxication. thinking of it makes my heart rise up into my throat; i almost choke on its fullness.

i don' t know exactly what it was or is that makes me yearn for this time, but i wish with all my heart i could stay encapsulated there. if there were a tupperware container on my life, i would choose those brief months to live in. perhaps i would encompass the following summer as well.

i was refreshed: a leni 2.0--alive with the possibilities of life. my pontential: fulfilled. my capacity for love thriving outside of continental barriers. and the ever-present onslaught of epiphanic realizations were at an all-time high.

and yet, now, i'd kill for any sort of excitement, for any sort of realization, to feel anything besides the mundane everyday-ness, this insane complacency. i find vicariously feeling through movies...pretending as though i could possibly understand.

not that i don't enjoy the life that is presented before me. i am finally living on my own. i provide for myself. i work hard at my job, and i'm good at what i do. i'm an independent woman: something i never thought would really happen. but it is. i am wholly capable of being (dare i say it aloud) alone. more than capable...okay with it.

that being said, i do wholeheartedly miss everything about that time. i wonder if i've broken since. i miss when i didn't need travel guides to allow my mind to wander. when i didn't have to dream, but when it was all available at my fingertips. all boxes are closed now, and i just want to peer inside of them...perhaps find whatever chunk i feel is missing.

i'm excited for the future: for the times to come, the road trip, graduate school, the people i have yet to meet. i just wish the past would stop calling my name, pointing out my mistakes, screaming inside of me to break free. i wish i didn't crave it. but moreover, i wish i didn't want to love the pain.