keep the old: one's silver; the other's gold

i may be just me now. but i am me. and i have real, true friends. the kind that will be there through anything: through heartbreak, addiction, pain, love, and betrayal. it's unfortunate that it took such an ass-knocking for me to realize it. but my family and friends are the best that anyone can ask for. so, this post is dedicated to them, and their awesome-ness.... i know that's not a word....and i realize that cheese factor of this is at an all-time high, but regardless: i am too grateful for everything to keep it inside.

i have been selfish at times. especially lately. giving in to urges that are detrimental to both myself and those who care(d) about me the most. but i'm through with that. once you see the look on someone's face, hear the intonation of their voice begging you to never hurt them that way again, you can't help but go: 'so that's the reason for everything.' because they do care. they are there. they're there to remind you of all the times when you were okay, when you were better than okay, when you were a good person, and they tell you as such. but they're not afraid to tell you when you suck either. they can say: 'that was fucking stupid. you're a selfish bitch.' and it's a-okay. because it is. i expect them to say that, and they expect me to reciprocate.

i have been crazy the past month. absolutely certifiably insane. but not any longer. the girl with the dead eyes and fake laughter is heretofore to become Leni again. and if it took disappointment to change me...then so be it.

who's to say if i've been changed for the better?

(i do believe i have been changed for the better)

because i knew you

i have been changed for good.

oh the mundane oh the complacent

hip hop's tonight. i'm going for the first time in two weeks. uber exciting. kate and i practiced last night. i wish we had video of our drunk asses trying to competently dance to j. tims. that would be totes.

so...this is what's on my plate for the day:

• manage to get through work doing nothing since i'm pretty un-busy post-deadline
• eat some healthy food...and possibly go shopping for it. ((sidenote: hummus, tabouli, and avocado wraps = my new favorite food)
• fuck...laundry. i'm still in desparate need of doing this. however, i am going home on saturday for my sister's birthday. hmm...i smell an opportunity....nope...just my laundry.
• motivate to go to hip-hop and dance up a storm.
• head on over to the dillo's to watch kate's friend's band and drink a few beahs

and that's basically it. hopefully it'll be fun.

i'm totally getting some garlic chicken thai food right now, and i'm super excited about it. you should be too.

that's right bitches!

payce,

La-La-Leni

the times they are a-changin'

what i wouldn't give for the feeling that anything was possible again.

two years ago, i was in york, england. i've always been one for nostalgia, but there are very few events that pervade my inner sense of happiness as much as this one. looking back on it, i wasn't always happy there, but for some reason, in my memory, i am the epitome of absolute euphoria. the type that doesn't come very often: surpassing the rush of love, and underwhelming the thrill of accomplishment. nay, england in my memory is a dizzy whirling rush of adrenaline-induced intoxication. thinking of it makes my heart rise up into my throat; i almost choke on its fullness.

i don' t know exactly what it was or is that makes me yearn for this time, but i wish with all my heart i could stay encapsulated there. if there were a tupperware container on my life, i would choose those brief months to live in. perhaps i would encompass the following summer as well.

i was refreshed: a leni 2.0--alive with the possibilities of life. my pontential: fulfilled. my capacity for love thriving outside of continental barriers. and the ever-present onslaught of epiphanic realizations were at an all-time high.

and yet, now, i'd kill for any sort of excitement, for any sort of realization, to feel anything besides the mundane everyday-ness, this insane complacency. i find vicariously feeling through movies...pretending as though i could possibly understand.

not that i don't enjoy the life that is presented before me. i am finally living on my own. i provide for myself. i work hard at my job, and i'm good at what i do. i'm an independent woman: something i never thought would really happen. but it is. i am wholly capable of being (dare i say it aloud) alone. more than capable...okay with it.

that being said, i do wholeheartedly miss everything about that time. i wonder if i've broken since. i miss when i didn't need travel guides to allow my mind to wander. when i didn't have to dream, but when it was all available at my fingertips. all boxes are closed now, and i just want to peer inside of them...perhaps find whatever chunk i feel is missing.

i'm excited for the future: for the times to come, the road trip, graduate school, the people i have yet to meet. i just wish the past would stop calling my name, pointing out my mistakes, screaming inside of me to break free. i wish i didn't crave it. but moreover, i wish i didn't want to love the pain.

looking out the window wishing i were somewhere else

i had the weirdest dream last night. i was at a campfire, surrounded by people i knew, but didn't recognize and we were all talking about the nature of the american dream. then for some reason i started reciting this amazing slam poetry and a boy kissed me long and hard because he loved the words. and i said, 'you make my soul echo.'

it was all very deep and poetic and cheesy. but i've been having quite a few of those dreams lately. epic romance dreams. there was another one a few weeks ago where a boy and i were in love, but we were both promised to another. somehow, we found a way around it, only to be discovered in our secret hiding place in England. but our shoes kept soundless clacking off the pavement and we kissed in between our footsteps.

i'm guessing this means i'm yearning for something more than what i have out of life right now.

in any scenario, it was not the 'you make my soul echo' line that really got to me. it was something i said about california. something along the lines of "even california has forgotten how to dream." and it made me want to cry, because california is supposed to be a place OF dreams. and here i was, negating it in my own.

*sigh* where are all the locations for lovers and dreamers? i've been to france, italy, england, california, ireland...and they don't really come close.

though i did fall in love with the landscape. i suppose that's always been my biggest problem: i fall in love with places and moments, not people.

they make for good stories though.

off like an edible thong,

Leni-Licious

a woman of extremes

indeed, the world is a funny place.

at times, we are wild, like branches and fall leaves and endless summer air. the times that cut through one's soul with a thick butter knife, slicing us like poundcake or marzipan candy. our hair curls at the ends, and it would look beautiful on anyone else: on natalie portman, on your best friend's sister, but on you...it looks as though you are five all over again, with freckles on your nose that you always tried to lemon juice out. but they won't.

remember those days when you would sit by pools and drench yourself in lemonade and spf 45 just to feel the sun melt ice cubes and burn your body? those days when it didn't matter that some boy didn't look your way twice, and your job was simply to be.

ah to be. just be. lately, i feel as though i've been acting crazy. i've relied on one thing my whole life, and that thing, that silly stupid little thing called love is not something to rely on. trite realization, i know, but loving oneself is always more important.

and i feel her returning. the leni that i once knew. building herself up, and digging herself out of holes that she once thrust herself headlong into. sometimes it's nice, being at the bottom: wallowing, scraping out dirt from under your fingernails. but now, it is time to stop. because that's not me.

and i feel as though writing again will help renew this sentiment. for once, just once, i know who i am again.

hopefully the rest of these blogs will be less serious. but what can i say? i wax poetic on breakdowns.



peace in your crease,
Leni to the EXtreme.