everything feels to be collapsing all at once. i have to find a job. it's difficult. i don't know what i want out of life anymore. and suddenly, before i give myself a chance at redemption, i feel alone. why did it have to turn out this way? why does everything feel so helpless? and why am i incapable of focusing on the here and now.
i just need a job. i like working. i haven't worked in so long. my body twitches in hopes it will provoke me to do something other than sit around all day, wondering about my life goals. what are life goals anymore? anything i've accomplished has become a byline. My life seems so petty, so short, and everything is so damn trivial. I can't handle it.
where the hell is this grown-up utopia you're supposed to achieve once you've supposedly grown up? cause i can't find it. everytime i think i see it, it's a hallucination. the palm trees collapse into sand. the water disappears before i can run my fingers through it: mere ghosts of an experience i long to have. is it so easy for everybody else?
my experiences all seem like they've happened to another version of me. as though i never made those decisions. all i have right now are thoughts to hold on to.
and sometimes, i don't feel their resonance, just their ever-impending panic...
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