the difference between a little and a lot.

there's something oddly satisfying about lounging around in your underwear. especially when it's something you keep hidden to yourself. there's no pretentions, no need to hide belly rolls and cellulite...you are perfect exactly as you are, in your underwear, typing thoughts to the endless medium of the web.

just a thought.

change of subject.

thinking of re-applying to USC. everyone's friendlier on the west coast. i like sunshine and surfers.

quick stop, change of heart...

or perhaps i'll like melbourne, aus so much i'll just stay there. it seems feasible. i like that idea. again...sunshine and surfers. and since many close friends will probably be accompanying me on the long journey to the sunburnt country, perhaps they will want to stay too. or, better yet, perhaps they will want to obey every nomadic urge i have thereafter with me! that sounds fantastic.

existential crisis.

i used to want to be famous. to matter. to write important things. to change somebody's life. to inspire. now, i'm more interested in relaxation techniques.

alright...boyfriend wanting attention in between making his advanced art gallery models...shall go give him some.

lots of love,
Leni

ah...finally...solutions

according to wikipedia, these are the characteristics of a quarter-life crisis. ...sounds vaguely familiar.

"Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:
feeling "not good enough" because one can't find a job that is at one's academic/intellectual level
frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career
confusion of identity
insecurity regarding the near future
insecurity regarding present accomplishments
re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
disappointment with one's job
nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
tendency to hold stronger opinions
boredom with social interactions
financially-rooted stress
loneliness
desire to have children
a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you"

at least now i know that this is normal, and will only last between the ages of 21 and 30

great...7 more years of uncertainty.

burden your mouth for what you say

everything feels to be collapsing all at once. i have to find a job. it's difficult. i don't know what i want out of life anymore. and suddenly, before i give myself a chance at redemption, i feel alone. why did it have to turn out this way? why does everything feel so helpless? and why am i incapable of focusing on the here and now.

i just need a job. i like working. i haven't worked in so long. my body twitches in hopes it will provoke me to do something other than sit around all day, wondering about my life goals. what are life goals anymore? anything i've accomplished has become a byline. My life seems so petty, so short, and everything is so damn trivial. I can't handle it.

where the hell is this grown-up utopia you're supposed to achieve once you've supposedly grown up? cause i can't find it. everytime i think i see it, it's a hallucination. the palm trees collapse into sand. the water disappears before i can run my fingers through it: mere ghosts of an experience i long to have. is it so easy for everybody else?

my experiences all seem like they've happened to another version of me. as though i never made those decisions. all i have right now are thoughts to hold on to.

and sometimes, i don't feel their resonance, just their ever-impending panic...