Responsibility, Grown-Ups, and Grad Schools...OH MY!

Lots of things can happen in a week. A ton. A shitload. And I've had a metric ass-kicking these past 6 nights. Not a bad ass-kicking. A good hard blow to the brain. It was a good thing. A great thing. I needed to re-evaluate.

I find myself in ridiculous situations saying ridiculous things and wondering how or why i got there and why those phrases that mean nothing just yet, tumble on outwards. they spill into my brain via some strange and otherworldly taser gun. I was doing fine and snap: hey, there's that thing you didn't mean to say.

I've made new friends. That's always nice. They're fun people. It's sad that it took me this long in Keene to find some good people and they have to swept under the rug. Graduate school does that to people. Why do the best things always come at the end? I'm just waiting for the smoking signal to ding, cause that means everything is okay.

That brings me to another point. Syracuse: out. Iowa: nada. 2 down, 5 to go. Let's hope I've learned to grin and bear rejection. Megan thinks I'm suffering post-traumatic stress from all that shitty shit during the undergrad application process. Perhaps. Probably. That was pretty devestating for me.

For the first time in a while, I don't feel this endless surge of worry. This all-encompassing self-doubt. The whywhywhys or hows of how I meet people and how they respond to me. I'm a good person and I deserve as such. I meet a boy: I shouldn't immediately doubt, but I shouldn't immediately attach either. Learning it. Owning up for my flaws. It's a difficult process. So I don't know where the future is headed, do I need to know the endings before the beginnings even transpose into middles? No. I am slowly letting my grip slip away from these things. They don't matter. But more importantly, I don't want them to matter anymore. That's the main thing: I don't want that hassle.

So I'm solving it now. Iowa rejected me; I cried. I scare away a boy with my intensity; I fix it. I feel like crap; I take care of myself. It's a funny thing, being responsible. It's remarkably.....soothing.


L-Dawg: OUT.